From The Department of Consistent Inconsistencies

Sad news for my campaign finance officer, who had connected a tap into the international monetary exchange system from which he had siphoned off trillions, and the many volunteers around the country who had organised launches to my presidential candidate party aboard the secret Bigelow/SpaceShipTwo joint development project I was going to announce later this week...

My campaign manager advised me, after discussion with the cackle of lawyers I intentionally overpay, that in the slate of promises I successfully used to receive a vote of confidence from the invisible board of directors for total control of the world government in hiding - especially my promise not to double-dip - I cannot serve as leader of the free world and world leader at the same time.

Therefore, with much regret at how much fun I will miss giving stump speeches about:

• requirements that all voters must cite at least five promises the candidate for which they'll vote has made, with a guess as to which four promises will not be kept, 
• selling a slew of pork barrels (containing everything under the sun but pork), in sizes from one that fits on a keychain to one that can barely roll down a six-lane carriageway, with prizes inside specially-marked packages,
• promising a pony in every garage (as soon as Ford completes its transfer of funds to my offshore account),
• guaranteeing a bottle of HFCS [a/k/a corn sugar] in every kitchen (having already received my ADM multimillion "donation"),
• warm stories recounting my childhood, including the mosquito I saved from a life of addiction to blood,
• finessing the art of heckling the hecklers,

I formally withdraw my name from the hat holding the paper slips listing pre-non-candidates for the 2012 U.S. Presidential race, with the caveat that should I desire to no longer rule the whole world under the tight control and guidance of my colleagues, associates and friends, I may at any time bribe U.S. voters to cast their ballots toward me and my as-yet-undetermined vice presidential running mate (although Underdog and Smoky the bluetick hound dog were the two likeliest running mates under consideration).

Back to putting intolerance in its place.  No matter who you are or where you live, my network is watching you and making plans on how to put you to use for purposes which you'll never be fully aware!