- One shopper claims that after he pumped BP petrol into his car, brine shrimp started blowing out of his tailpipe. Our investigators are digging deeper into this watery horizon.
- Walmart's success in selling bananas has been traced to a rumour spreading across texts, tweets and the Internet that the tropical fruit, combined with bacon grease and hair of a dog's tail collected on the night of a full moon, is the exact same set of ingredients used to make Viagra, Cialis and other expensive stimulants (that is, according to a witch doctor we hired after the doc predicted the government's bureaucratic blunder in responding to the cataclysmic cleanup of Hurricane Katrina; the doc said that Pakistanis might as well roll up their rugs and move somewhere else 'cause they're in worse shape than a few thousand displaced Nawlins residents).
- Due to an unstoppable epidemic of artificial aging, today's episode of the soap opera, Days of Our Lives, moves the storyline forward 100 years and past 20 generations of Black, Brady, Carver, DiMera, Hernandez, Horton, Kiriakis, etc.
- Our crack reporters* have unearthed a conspiracy of epic proportions. The recent triple-race win (no, not a trifecta) by a driver fans love to hate was rigged in order to help increase sales of Busch beer. When asked if this was true, Kyle's brother said, "Why else do you think they hired us in the first place? Do we look like NASCAR drivers to you?"**
** makes us wonder if there's a purpose behind a driver with the last name Speed or Power. Along that same line, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., is said to be in negotiations with his agents to consider changing his name to Pure Moneymaker. Because of contract constraints, he's not allowed to change his name to Nationwide Bud Wrangler.
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