Bobbing For Apples Amidst Miniature Sharks

I haven't read today's entertainment headlines (i.e., the news) so pardon me if I'm behind the times here. What if the DRK stated the following?: "Upon review of our naval military maneuvers, we have discovered the possibility that one of our offensive weapons inoffensively discharged. As an act of international goodwill, we are compensating the inadvertent victims of an accident at sea in order to show we are a compassionate people who forgive others for their accusatory lies. We are generous, able to share our abundant resources, willing to open fair trade treaties with our inferiour exploitative enemies to the south." If they already released that statement, I am a happy man. If not, I am always a patient man.