"Comrades, we are gathered here for this stupidous occasion to show we are free from the sceneries of the past."
[Voice coming through earbud] "Sir, that was supposed to be 'tremendous occasion' and 'tyrannies of the past.'"
"In this day and age, we are bound together, tied to the post..."
"'Bound to gather' and 'tired of the past.'"
"Determined to tick this clockwork..."
"'Determined to lick this problem...oh never mind, say what you want, you always do."
"I look across this expensive crowd, like a Friday evening when all the teens are gathered at the Mall, reconstituted in my deposition, to think you for putting us politicians and our personal agendas ahead of your own.
"Without your hard-earned money or the hard-earned money you've stolen via 'profits' from those who have little to say or give themselves, I would not have been able to make my way with police escorts and seventeen gas-guzzling SUVs while proving green technology with my electric minicar which, when I charge you ten times what it costs to produce, will allow me to siphon more money from the destitute and hungry.
"This day is mine! It will continue to be mine! That's right, cheer!!! You have made me a megagazillionaire with your foreclosures, bankruptcies, divorces and job losses!
"Okay, okay, quiet. You're embarrassing yourselves with your zombie zealousness.
"I have a serious announcement to make. In order to combat the propaganda being propelled across our hollowed grounds, I propose the following:
"One, that we will be taken lightly.
"Two, that as of this minute, we are no longer the political party you thought we were.
"Three, we are now the Conservative Liberal Literal Youth party, CLLY, pronounced silly. Go ahead, give yourselves the clap! I can't hear you!!!!
"We aren't like the other parties with their drink-flavoured titles. We're the party of the past, you know, like it's 1899. Okay, time to dance. Let's see some of you boogie out there to the tune my backup band has composed just for this moment.
"And four, let's give a great round of ammunition to those who've interrupted their marathon role-playing computer games in order to tune in to our broadcast. I personally thank my accountant for the brilliant idea to charge high costs for what should normally be a free program on TV, along with placing high-margin adverts throughout my speech, meaning we'll charge more to those who've missed important segments of what I had to say today and want to fill in the blanks in my thoughts.
"Stupendous or tremendous, today is going to make me so stinking rich I couldn't fill an Olympic-sized betting pool and swim in it. What do you say to that?!!!
"Enough, enough. You're making me into an umbra pi.
"While you leave these Mall-like grounds, stop by the concession stands and souvenir booths and rack up as much credit card debt as you can. If you won't do it to starve your children back home, do it for poor ol' me, who had to fly in a used private jet because my new one is on backorder. Just a little more in my coffin and I'll be able to afford my own fleece of airplanes! That's right! The rich do get richer so keep the money flowing out of your mattresses and piggy backs 'cause the poor keep getting poorer and we don't want to ruin a good cliché in these bad times, do we? We have you Conservative Liberals and the Literal Youth to consider.
"One last thing, while you listen to the rest of the scheduled speakers on today's pogrom, help me help you by getting viruses with the video clips you've made of my ruinous wordiness. The more you cover the spread with my message, the bigger my empire gets and the better I can control you to give me more. After all, isn't that why we're here to gather in this place of Me worship?
"Be careful as you leave. They say there is a goose step in your walk...wait a minute, someone's saying something to me. Sorry, there's a loose step in the walkway. They also say I am your divine leader and can control the weather. Seek hail, everyone, seek hail.
"Maybe I can make that minicar walk on water one day! Wouldn't you love to see that?"
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